August 25th, 2000

The Cell summary (with spoilers) Vince Vaughn: I'm an FBI agent and I'm in charge of tracking down this serial killer. Killer: I just kidnapped a woman and stashed her away.  In forty hours she dies in this automated machine thing hidden somewhere.  Fortunately I'll have a violent seizure and lapse into a coma so the FBI can capture me, Jennifer Lopez: I'm futuristic virtual reality holo cyber child therapist.  I'm having problems reaching this child, maybe I should reverse the feed. Scientist: Reversing the feed is dangerous, don't do it! Vince: We need you to go into the killer's mind and find out where the girl is. [Jennifer goes in and sees some really weird stuff which freaks her out] Jennifer: It's scary! (cont'd on center column...)

(...cont'd from left column) Vince: Go back in there and find the girl! [Jennifer goes back in] Killer: I just made you my bitch. Jennifer: Yes master. Scientist: Oh no, she's trapped! Vince: Even though I have no training with this machine, I'm going in to save Jennifer.  Thank goodness you happen to have a spare "cyber" suit lying around just in my size! [Vince Goes in] Vince: Wake up! Hey look at this symbol.  Somehow seeing it in here for the second time has reminded me about the first time I saw it in real life.  I somehow grasp that this symbol is really a corporate logo of now-defunct company in which the killer has hid the girl! Let's ditch this place! (cont'd on right column...)

(...cont'd from center column) Jennifer: Wait! I have to save the good from the bad in this guy! [Vince leaves and saves the girl] Jennifer: Against all orders and common sense, I will lock all the doors, re-route power, change the passwords, override the safety locks, REVERSE THE FEED and go back in! Killer: Save me! No, kill me! No, save me! No, Die! Jennifer: In my world, my matrix-meets-diablo2 style fighting is no match for you! I slay you, bad side! Killer: You saved me... oops looks like my good side dies too! [Killer dies, in real life.] Jennifer: My boyfriend is in jail facing murder charges, let's not kiss and just be friends. Vince: Suits me just fine. The End.

August 14th, 2000

What Lies Beneath summary (with spoilers) Harrison: Oh goody, my step-daughter has left for college we can do it more often! Michelle: Oh my, the neighbours are arguing! Harrison: It's none of our business. Michelle: I think the neighbour killed his wife! Harrison: It's none of our business. [Spooky things begin to happen around the house.] Michelle: Oh no, our house is suddenly spooky, I think it's the ghost of our neighbours wife! Harrison: I'm sending you to a psychologist! Pyschologist: So do you feel crazy? (cont'd on center column...)

(...cont'd from left column) Michelle: No. [Very spooky things happen at the house, convincing Michelle there's a ghost in the house.] Michelle: I know you killed your wife, you murdering son of a bitch! Neighbour's wife: Surpise, I'm still alive! It was all a big work to swerve you! Michelle: Maybe I'm crazy after all. [More spooky things happen at the house] Michelle: I know, it's this student who mysteriously disappeared last year! Harrison: Goddamnit, you're nuts. Michelle: I'll have another seance. [Michelle has a seance using the dead girl's hair to 'channel' her spirit] (cont'd on right column...)

(...cont'd from center column) Michelle (as Dead Student): I've taken possession of your wife! Now I will kill you!!! Harrison: By burning that seance dead girl's hair thingy, I have exorcised that demon! Michelle: Oh my god, that dead student was the girl you had an affair with last year! Harrison: Oops.  Yeah it was her.  She killed herself to spite me.  I didn't tell you about it because it would ruin my career. Michelle: We should tell the police. Harrison: All of the sudden I value my career more than your life.  You must die! To make sure the audience knows I'm a heel, I'm going to make some completely out-of-character remark about being attracted to your daughter (my step-daugter). Michelle: I must run away and call 911! But first I'll scream a bit.  AIEEEEEEEEEE!!!! [Somehow the car they're both in gets driven into the lake, where the dead girl's corpse, which doesn't look more than 2 days decomposed, happens to reside.  In a moment meant to appear ambigious, the ghost girl comes to life, saves Michelle and drags Harrison down to his watery demise -- like some sort of resulka.] The End.

July 18th, 2000

X-Men summary (with spoilers) Senator: Mutants are bad.  I propose a law where we lock them up in nazi-style concentration camps. Magneto: I must stop them. Professor X: No, we should be friends with them Wolverine: I'm a loner badass type dude.  Leave me alone. Rogue: I'm a teenager whose real name isn't important so call me Rogue.  Since we only have two hours, I won't bother explaining how I picked that name.  You're so cool, can I tag along? Wolverine: I'm a loner, get lost.  Oh wait, my heart of gold says you need help, so hop in. [They get ambushed and Sabretooth knocks Wolverine unconscious.  Cyclops and Storm save them.] Professor X: Welcome to my X-men school.  Magneto is up to no good.  Since you're so cool and popular Wolverine, I suspect that he wants to kidnap you! For what? I don't know yet. (cont'd on center column...)

(...cont'd from left column) Wolverine: I'm a loner; I'll wait around for 48 hours so you can do some funky cat scans on my adamantium skeleton.  It'll provide some comdic tension too, when I hit on Jean Gray. Cyclops: Stay away from my girl. Rogue: Oh no, my power-absorbing abilities are hurting other X-Men! In a bitter twist of irony, I must runaway from these outcasts. Magneto: Ha! You fell for my trap! Now I got you! Professor X: Stop! What you're doing is wrong! Magneto: Although you could easily stop me right now, doing so would harm these policemen.  You better let me go. Professor X: I'm a complete wuss, so okay.  Hopefully, this will also prevent me from getting typecast as Picard. Rogue: Why did you kidnap me? (cont'd on right column...)

(...cont'd from center column) Magneto: In explaining my motivation, I will reveal my evil plans to you: you will absorb my power and go in this machine that will turn everyone into mutants! Then everyone will be equal and no one will want to send us to gas chambers anymore.  Unfortunately this will kill the operator. Wolverine: Why don't you go into the machine yourself then? Magneto: Instead of debating philosophy with you, I'll just stick my evil mutant henchmen on you. [The X-Men win, naturally] Magneto: Now I'm in prison made out of plastic.  Why do you visit me to play chess? Professor X: I sense hope. Magneto: You know, I'll eventually break out and try to do the same thing again? Professor X: And I'll be there to stop you, no matter how many sequels it takes! The End.

Critiques of X-Men

June 21th, 2000

Gone In Sixty Seconds summary (with spoilers) Nicolas Cage: I am retired car thief Memphis Raines (the best in the business EVER!) Kip: I have followed in my big bro's foot steps but I inevitably screw up in such a contrived way so that when Nic has to come out of retirement and steal cars again he will still be a good guy Raymond Calitri: I am a british-born crime boss. You have 72 hours to steal 50 rare and exotic cars. If you fail I will kill Kip. This is to show the audience I'm a total jerk because I care more about bullying people than actually making any money re-selling these cars. Kip, his car thief gang and Nic's Retired "straight" friends: We wanna help save Kip! Angelina Jolie: I'm here so I can make the trailers for this movie more interesting by saying the stuff like: "do you like stealing cars or sex?" while posing provocatively. Don't worry, I won't affect the plot. Nic: I refuse your assistance because I don't want you get you involved in this crime. On second thought, I guess I do need help. (cont'd on center column...)

(...cont'd from left column) Kip et al: Yay! Now we can sloppily leave trails of car-stealing plans so the police can have a car chase with you later! Detective Roland Castelbeck: I know your back in town to steal cars, This time, I plan to finally put you in jail! I will try to catch you but fail miserable each time. Nic: Stealing 50 cars in 72 hours is too easy. Let's do it in 12 hours! [They waste 60 hours.] Nic: Let's start stealing. [They steal 49 cars in under 11 hours]. Nic: Ah, the rarest car, 1967 Mustang. It is now broad daylight thus making it easier for the audience to see all the action in the inevitable car chase that will follow. [Nic leads the police on a car chase for 1 hour and 12 minutes] Nic: Okay I got all 50 cars! Calitri: You're 12 minutes late. Since I am a total bastard I will now order my henchmen to kill you. I hope the audience doesn't start wondering how I manage to stay in business if I kill my best workers for minor transgressions. (cont'd on right column...)

(...cont'd from center column) Nic: I escaped, Ha! Let's have a fist fight! Calitri: Ow! With my henchman all taken out, I think it's best for me to stop this fist fight and go for my gun. I hope the audience doesn't start wondering why I didn't spare myself a few punches to the face by going for my gun at the beginning of the fight. Detective: Nic has managed to elude me all night, maybe I'll find him in this warehouse. Calitri: Hey a cop! I'm going to stop trying to kill Nic long enough to taunt you with anti-amercanisms before I shoot you. I hope the audience doesn't wonder why I actually want to shoot you, since the police don't have any evidence I committed a crime. [Nic saves the cop and accidently kills Calitri in the process] Detective: I've been trying to catch you all my life, but since you saved my life, I will let you go [Nic celebrates with his friends] Kip et al: Hey we managed to get your dream car for you, legally! Now we can have truly happy ending. The End.

June 5th, 2000

Shanghai Noon summary (with spoilers) Jackie Chan: I'm a chinese imperial guard and I'm here to save the princess! Owen Wilson: You're in the Western world now. Before we form a life-long friendship you must learn to adapt to the different customs and culture. [Comedic Hijinx ensues with crazy stunts] Jackie Chan: Okay, here's the ransom money. Now the princess is free! (cont'd on right column...)

(...cont'd from left column) Villanous Kidnapper: Even though I got the money I'm going to forgo an easy get-away and engage in hand-to-hand martial art combat. [Fighting ensues, more crazy stunts] Lucy Liu: My hero! Despite the fact that I am betrothed to the emperor who would have undoubtedly showered me with wealth and priviledge beyond imagination, I have decided to fall in love with you and stay here in America to start a new life in this great country. Jackie Chan: My cowboy friend taught that wreckless individualism outweights life-long duty and loyalty. Let us convenienlty ignore the fact that all imperial guards are eunichs and kiss. The End.

Critiques of Shanghai Noon

May 30, 2000

Mission: Impossible 2 summary (with spoilers) Sean Ambrose: I just killed this guy in a lab coat with a russian accent (so you know he's a fancy scientist) and took the cure for the world's most deadlies disease! [Tom Cruise climbs a steep dangerous mountain and almost gets killed] Sunglasses (with Anthony Hopkin's voice): Stop Ambross, recruit this thief-girl Nyah. Tom: I need you for a mission, but first, let's have some sexual tension. Nyah: You'll have to catch me first. [They have a dangerous car chase and almost get killed] Nyah: Okay I'll join you; let's have sex. (cont'd on middle column...)

(...cont'd from left column) Anthony Hopkins: Use the girl to get to Ambross, they used to go out. Tom: Doh! Nyah: Honey, I'm home Ambrose: Cool, let me reveal my secret plans to you, but first we have sex. Tom: Wahhhh! Nyah: Tom, he plans to do bad things with the virus! Ambrose: Hey, you betrayed me! [Tom sneaks into the dangerous lab and destroys all the viruses except for one, which somehow the girl gets infected with, and has a dangerous two-hands, two-guns gunfight vs everyone and he almost gets killed] (cont'd on right column...)

(...cont'd from left column) Ambrose: I guess I will use you as my living sample. Now I will try to sell this! [Tom sneaks into the dangerous fortress, stops the deal, gets the cure, breaks up the deal and almost gets killed] Ambrose: After him! [Tom eludes bad guys, gets shot at, shoots back, kills them all and almost gets killed] Ambrose: Though none of my machinegun-toting henchmen managed to kill you, I will now take you one-on-one. [They have a dangerous gunfight, a dangerous motorcycle fight, a dangerous martial-arts fight, and a dangerous knife fight where Tom almost gets killed. Afterwards, Tom shoots Ambrose.] Tom: Here's the cure Nyah! You're saved!! Nyah: My hero! The End.

Critiques of MI:2

May 26, 2000

It's pretty hard to spoil a Disney movie. The plot is simple almost ot a fault and the endings are always inevitable, regardless of historical accuracy.

Dinosaur with spoilers (sort of). [Meteor impact, big tidal waves, lots of stuff blown away in impressive CG/live combined action shots] Kron: I am the leader of this herd. I'm leading everyone to the last place on earth where there's water. Only the strong shall survive, might makes right, law of the jungle, etc. Aladar: I am young idealistic herbivore. Let's all cooperate and help weaken the gene pool by helping the meek. Kron: No, we will continue our primitive thinking ways because I'm old, cranky and stuck in my ways. (cont'd on right column...)

(...cont'd from left column) Everyone else: We're cute and provide comic relief. Soon stuffed versions of us will be available at a retailer near you! [Kron's way fails] Aladar: Time to listen to me now! Let's all cooperate and be friends! [They do] Aladar: Yay we made it to this small secluded valley! We can live happily ever after! The End.

May 23, 2000

Center Stage summary (with spoilers): Jonathan: I am the director of the most prestigious ballet school in the world. I'm also a stereotypical mega-maniacal perfectionist who will forever on be acknowledged as the biggest jerk in the movie. I will make you practice hard to show the audience how painful that some of the stretches ballet dancers must do. At the end of the school year/movie there will be a final show and your performance in it determines who we hire as part of our prestigious ballet company. Jody: I am the worst ballerina in the whole school, but dance is in my heart. I think I'm supposed to be the main character or something. Cooper: I am widely acknowledged as the best dancer in the planet and the only one who's not gay. Look at my leather jacket! I am the antithesis of Jonathan and I have come not as a student but as choreographer/director wannabe. Maureen: I am the most talented dancer in the whole school but dancing is not in my heart. I'm also considered very bitchy and friendless due to my overbearing mother. Eva: I am a black woman with a Spanish last name, lots of AT-TI-TUDE and the only one in this film with any acting ability what-so-ever. Dancing is in my heart but I resent all you establishment people and I pretend not to care about it when everyone knows that I really do. (cont'd on middle column...)

(...cont'd from left column) Erik: I am the token gay black character. I don't do anything important. Jody: In a five-minute montage featuring spontaneous "street" style dancing reminiscent of Footloose, I now demonstrate that I am really a good dancer but the stuffy over-bearing rules and tradition of ballet are limiting me. Cooper: I agree, ballet should be for the people. I also ride a motorcycle and have this tattoo on my shoulder so you know I am not gay. Jody: Though we have exchanged less than a dozen lines of dialogue so far, I will give Cooper sex with the assumption that he will be my new boyfriend. Cooper: Thanks for the sex. I will choreograph this new funky rock and roll dance piece in the final show to rebel against the establishment and I will put you in the lead role. I now pursue other women because I am a player and I am not gay. Jody: Wah! Sniff, I'm going to concentrate on what makes me happy, which is to dance. Maureen: My mother's obsession with my future ballet career has made me so unhappy that I am now bulimic. (cont'd on right column...)

(...cont'd from middle column) Eva: My attitude has inevitably drawn the ire of that jerk of a director and I've been shafted from any good role in the final show. I'm going to practice dancing anyway because in my heart it truly makes me happy. Erik: I broke my ankle and now use crutches. I now metaphorically represent every single demographic that has been unfairly discriminated against. Maureen: I have withdrawn from the final show because I have realized I was dancing for the wrong reasons. I shouldn't dance because my mother wants me to, I should do what's in my heart. Now the healing for the mother-daughter rift can begin. Eva please take my place and the career which I have just thrown away. [The final show goes off, everything's perfect] Eva & Erik: We got a job in the prestigious company! Cooper: I'm going to be given my own company! Jody: I'm going to overlook how you violated teacher-student code of ethics and used me for sex and join your company as the principal dancer! The End.

May 17, 2000

Summary of Gladiator (with spoilers): Russell Crowe: I am the great Roman general Maximus. Let's kill some germans. [Russell kills some germans] Caesar Marcus Aurelius: Good job. I want you to be the next leader of Rome. Prince Commodus: Die father! General, serve me or else. Russell: No, you're bad. Caesar Commodus: Guards! Kill him and his family in a most vile and horrible way so that the audience knows that I'm a heel! (cont'd on middle column...)

(...cont'd from left column) [Family dies horrible death. Russell escapes and somehow gets captured by a wondering band of slave catchers. Meets token black character.] Proximo, former gladiator now gladiator promoter: You're a gladiator now. Kill or be killed! This is sports entertainment. [Russell kills the enemy gladiators] Proximo: Remember, the marks don't like champions for thier skill, it's for their popularity. You're so over it's time to go to the show. [They go to the colleseum and kill some more] (cont'd on right column...)

(...cont'd from middle column) Lucillia, sister of Commodus and only female character in movie: You're Rome's only hope. Let's have some sexual tension. Commodus: Damn you're still alive and because of your spectacular workrate, you're now more popular than me. I'm going to try to get you killed in the colleseum so you can't get revenge on me. [Rusell kills his opponents in gimmick match featuring current undefeated champion, chains, and tigers] Commodus: Now I'll take you on one-on-one, but since I'm a heel, I'll poison you first. [Fails, Russell gets revenge, everyone including Russell dies] The End.

May 3rd, 2000

Movie summary of Where The Heart Is (with spoilers): Natalie Portman: I'm a pregnant 15 year old white trash. Feel the baby's heart? boyfriend: I do but I'm really annoyed so I'm going to lie and say no. Natalie: Let's go to Wal-mart boyfriend: I'm dumping you Natalie: Waaaahhhh Fornee: I'm a college educated young man who is ideal for you. If it wasn't for my invalid sister, I'd put the moves on you. [Gives birth in Wal-mart] Ashley Judd: I'm your nurse and your new best friend. Like you, I also am a single mother. Natalie's Mom: I abandoned you when you were a kid but now I'm here to help Natalie: Here's all my money Natalie's Mom: Sucker. Natalie: Doh. Old woman called Sister: You and your baby can stay with me (cont'd on center column...)

(...cont'd from left column) Natalie: Thanks. I will accept the job offer from Walmart now. Ashley: I have a new boyfriend and I'm pregnant [a tornado strikes!] Natalie: Oh no, Sister's dead. I'll take a picture [Wins Kodak award, gets inheritance from Sister, builds large house] Natalie: Sniff, this is the first house I have that isn't under wheels! Now I will be a part-time photographer. Ashley: Fornee loves you. I have a new boyfriend and I'm pregnant again. Natalie: No, we're just friends. Ashley: Wahhhhh, my latest boyfriend beat me up! Why am I such trash? Natalie: Live every moment of your life because, as I learned in this movie so far, fortunes can change in a single breath. (cont'd on right column...)

(...cont'd from center column) [Fornee's Sister dies] Natalie: Now we can do it! [They do] Fornee: I love you. There's a big bright college-middle class future awaiting me in Maine, but I'll stay here and work at a plastics factory. Do you love me? Natalie: I do but I'm going to lie and say I don't because I still believe that I am trash and I don't want to hold you back. Ashley: I've decided to marry this balding middle-aged fellow who also has kids because I've realized looks aren't important, it's what's inside the heart. boyfriend: I've lost my legs due to some bizarre and contrived accident so that I may tell you that I lied to you back then and I've learned that lying is bad. Natalie: I now realize that where the heart is, is what counts and that lying, even to protect someone you love is wrong. It took me five years and the audience two hours to figure this out. Fornee, I lied, I love you. Let's get married. [They do] The End.

Natalie reminded me alot of April, one of the girl mechanics that was on the truck on Knight Rider.

April 26th, 2000

Movie Review of U-five-three-seven-something-something-one. A select group of rag tag (and very green) american submariners are sent to capture a typewriter aboard a disabled german submarine during WW2. They secure the german U-boat, but then suddenly thier own sub gets hit!!!! They have to use the german sub to fight off the sub that sunk their sub. After they use the german sub to sink the other german sub they have to fight a german destroyer. It's EXACTLY LIKE the trailer. It's quite entertaining though as it has a lot of cool special effects. As a general rule of thumb: anything that can blow up in the movie WILL blow up. I don't think this movie is historically accurate however because I don't remember anything about anybody changing the course of history by setting thier ship on a collision course with the alien chronosphere or blowing up hitler's secret cloning factory with a torpedo that didn't even have a working motor -- oops I almost ruined the ending. Oh, another good thing about this movie is that not only were all the germans in this movie were killed, but they were killed with stuff they made in their own fatherland. Oh, the irony. It's two hours and it's a good second movie in a double-feature. A guy film all the way.

April 19th, 2000

Return to Me A charming film about Mulder's wife dying and her heart being transplanted into Minnie Driver. In a deeply symbolic and metaphoric ironic twist of fate, Minnie and Mulder fall in love and, as Carroll O' Conner so eloquently said to Mulder: "Maybe this heart was meant to be with you forever". Oh... and they somehow manage to have a needless conflict throughout the film involving Minnie Driver's inablility to tell Mulder the Truth -- I won't ruin the ending for you. Amusing light-hearted Comedic moments and impressive use of Camera's mounted on helicopters. It's amusing and a good "date" movie but a bad "guy" movie because Mulder cries at least once.

April 13th, 2000

Erin Brocovich (with spoilers) Julia Roberts: I am a single mother of three young children -- twice divorced -- and I like to wear outfits that reveal my perky breasts. We must sue PG&E for poisoning the water! Lawyer: No, it'll cost too much. Julia: Me and my boobs says it's the right thing to do! (cont'd on right column...)

(...cont'd from left column) Lawyer: Okay, we'll sue [They sue] Lawyer: Hey we won. Here's a check for $2 million. The End

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