Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! - Weird (and possibly true) news items
Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
You Might Be a Redneck If ... - some probably plagerized directly from Jeff Foxworthy's classic schtick.
Famous Last Words - It would be really embarassing to any person to have these as their actual last words.
August 14th, 2000
Below is one of the dumbest chainmails I've ever encountered. I leave it as an exercise to the reader to determine its authenticity.
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This is an alert about a virus in the original sense of
the word...one that affects your body, not your hard
drive.
There have been 23 confirmed cases of people attacked by
the Klingerman Virus, a virus that arrives in your real
mail box, not your e-mail in-box.
Someone has been mailing large blue envelopes, seemingly
at random, to people inside the US. On the front of the
envelope in bold black letters is printed, "A gift for
you from the Klingerman Foundation." When the envelopes
are opened, there is a small sponge sealed in plastic.
This sponge carries what has come to be known as the
Klingerman Virus, as public health officials state this
is a strain of virus they have not previously encountered.
When asked for comment, Florida police Sergeant Stetson
said, "We are working with the CDC and the USPS, but
have so far been unable to track down the origins of
these letters. The return addresses have all been
different, and we are certain a remailing service is
being used, making our jobs that much more difficult."
Those who have come in contact with the Klingerman Virus
have been hospitalized with severe dysentery. So far
seven of the twenty-three victims have died. There is no
legitimate Klingerman Foundation mailing unsolicited
gifts. If you receive an oversized blue envelope in the
mail marked, "A gift from the Klingerman foundation",
DO NOT open it. Place the envelope in a strong plastic
bag or container, and call the police immediately. The
gift" inside is one you definitely do not want.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU CARE ABOUT! |
May 11, 2000
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*********** WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER ...(the actual AP Headline)
*Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego was visiting her in-laws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. *Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. *One cusTomer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. *And yes, Linda is a blonde. |
Subject: Top 15 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your
desk:
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 14. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 9. "Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?" 7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 6. "The coffee machine is broke...." 5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 2. "Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands." And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1. "Amen!" |